Dwelling On It

OK, hello world. I have been hearing about this blogging thing and decided to give it a try. Why? Because I have a lot to say! Life has taught me a lot! LOL I dont exactly know what I am doing yet but I think if I can figure this out it will be a lot of fun. My mind is always going and going and I have to have some way to get it all out. I am having surgery in a couple days - on Thursday. I am having a microdiskectomy. Did I spell that right? I'm ready to get it over with but of course not looking forward to it. Since June of last year I have been having problems with my back - most symptoms in my left leg. Anyone who has been through it knows it is a pain in the butt - sometimes literally. So - I will be stuck - pretty much in bed for a couple of weeks after the procedure and need something to do. I used to write a lot - but now that the net has taken over the world I am turning to this. I type just like I talk - nonstop. :-) So I may bounce around from subject to subject sometimes - but here is a little about me ---
I am 33 years old, a military brat, one older brother, one niece, married for about a year and a half now, no kids of my own, one step son, home owner, full time job, friends of all sorts from all over the place and a large Southern family - most of us are in Georgia.
There's a lot to me and plenty of time for me to get it all out... but right now what is on my mind is KIDS. Do I want one? I just cant figure it out. My step son is great. He is 9 and Ive been around him for a few years and it is amazing how much he has grown. I am comfortable with him now but it wasnt always like that. I have never really been around kids. I am the youngest, I was not raised around any of my younger cousins, etc so I dont really know how to relate to kids. At first when my husband and I were getting serious, it was a huge adjustment for us all. My step son lives about 3 hours from us and when he would come stay with his Dad before I was in the picture he had his Dad all to himself. Then I came around and invaded his territory. We had to sit down and have a heart to heart talk one evening. Then when we actually moved in together it was another learning experience. Mason was used to sleeping in the bed with Rod and now there I was - in his way again. But we got through that too and now when Mason comes I really enjoy him. He is here now and just seeing how Rod looks at him and how happy he is around him - it makes me wonder if I am robbing myself of the greatest love in the world. Rod is a great Dad. But would I be a good Mom? I have no patience. That scares me. People say I will get some tolerance if I have a child. But will I? Who really knows? My husband and I are best friends. We have no drama in our life. Life is great. So I am afraid of change. I go and do as I please. I know that will come to a screeching hault. Will I feel like I traded in my life to run behind someone else all the time? I have always been an independent woman and I am afraid a child will make me feel like I have lost myself. BUT - I cant imagine that joy of looking at a human being and knowing that I am one half of that person. I wonder what she would look like? I bet she would be the sweetest thing. When I hear kids call their MOMMMMYYY... I wonder how it feels. I think the permanent part is what scares me the most - it's forever. Of course my marriage is forever - and of course we depend on each other - but nobody depends on someone like a child does a Mother. Am I woman enough???? I have never doubted myself in life except for in this department. I was raised to believe I can do anything - I can be anything - I can have anything - and I have achieved everything I have ever truly set my mind to. Most things come easy to me - because I know how I feel and I go from there. But I am totally confused on this one. I dont know how I feel and I dont know what to do. I guess I'll keep dwelling on it. Maybe I will figure it out before it is too late. I hope so.